Why I Gave Up S*x, Partying & Drinking to Get Drunk

This time four years ago I was coming out of a toxic relationship, living at college and trying to ‘find myself’ in between Philosophy 101 lectures and student nights in the city. My weeks were spent sitting through classes that made me cringe, and my week ends split between rounds of Kings Cup over a bucket of jungle juice and hellish physical (and emotional) hangovers. On the surface, I was doing what every eighteen-year-old is supposed to do, meeting new people, trying new things and experimenting in every sense of the word. But beneath the up for anything first year, I was scared, confused, anxious and didn’t know how to talk to people without a few tequila shots.

In hindsight, the college environment was pretty dangerous for an emotionally fragile teen battling with mental illness and a seriously low sense of self-worth. I used the readily available supply of alcohol to numb the emotional pain of my break up and the endless opportunities for social interaction to distract me from the anxiety I felt about the future.

My competitive nature meant I always had to push the boundaries further than anyone else. My Ego loved the fact I’d always lose ‘Never Have I Ever’ and had crazy stories to tell over pre-drinks. In my head, everyone saw me as a fun-loving free spirited party animal, while I felt more like an insecure mess racking up experiences to make myself feel important.

When I moved out of college in 2013 into a beautiful, bright house with a balcony overlooking the mountains, I was nursing yet another broken heart and a fierce determination that this year would, somehow, be different than the last. I was getting sick of the drama; the panic attacks, bouts of depression and the niggling feeling that I was worthy and capable of so much more. My body was sick of being offered up to anyone who was willing to pay for the cab home. I realised there was a limit to the number of times I could re-live the same night without kidding myself the next night would be any different. I needed time to heal the damage I’d done; physically, emotionally and spiritually. I wanted to use my “all or nothing” attitude to create a life that felt exciting, energising and inspiring.

I started saying ‘no’ to nights out, stopped drinking altogether and took a (temporary) vow of celibacy.

I came up against a lot of internal resistance. I backslid, a lot.

Saturday nights were the hardest. The invitations would start coming in the afternoon. My Instagram was full of #sneakywine and #saturdaybevvy and I was sitting alone on the couch with a terrifyingly empty night stretching out in front of me.

I remember ringing my mum in tears. ‘Everyone’s out having fun without me and I don’t have any friends anymore and this is not what your twenties is supposed to be like and I’m doing it wrong and I’m going to die alone.’ After I got over the panic, I brought myself back to the reality of those nights and what they meant for me; drama, mistakes, anxiety and regret. I remembered all the times I’d posted photos sitting in the corner of a club when I’d lost my friends, the cab rides home where I was spinning, crying hysterically and/or throwing up out the window. I remembered the fights I’d caused, the texts I’d sent and all the strangers I’d woken up next to.

My identity was so heavily tied up in this Party Girl persona. Without Saturday nights and Sunday hangovers, I had no idea who I was. What stories would I have to tell my grandkids? What would I talk about with my friends on a Monday morning? What would I do on a Thursday, Friday and Saturday night? If I didn’t have a guy that I was ‘talking to’, who would I message about my day? If I wasn’t wasted, aren’t I wasting my youth, because this is what being ‘young’ is all about, right? If I didn’t have someone else in my bed, would the loneliness overwhelm me? If I didn’t have these ‘adventures’ and ‘experiences’, what was the point of getting out of bed in the morning?

These were all questions that had me running in fear back to my Party Girl lifestyle over and over again.

As time went by, it became easier to say no. Whenever the urge arose to right myself off, I thought about what I was really craving; freedom, adventure, spontaneity. When I wanted desperately to message the last guy in my phone, I’d tune in to what my Soul was really longing for; connection, intimacy, affection. Once I knew the real desire, I could meet it at the source rather than searching for cheap substitutes. I found adventure scaling Mount Coot-tha at sunrise, I found intimacy in sacred time alone with a cup of tea and my journal, I found affection in the gentle way I spoke to myself and I found deep, lasting connection in soul chats with my closest girlfriends. I realised I could us this time to learn how to be alone, and create for myself the love and fulfilment I so desperately searched for in others.

When I finally let go of that part I was playing, it didn’t feel like a sacrifice, it felt like a relief. I suddenly had all this room to create the life I wanted to live and the impact I wanted to make. When I found coaching and started building my business, I had a vision to work towards and something to look forward to. Most importantly, I had a channel for my creativity to flow through me into the world. I could focus on my work.

Creative energy and ideas that were stagnating in the pit of my stomach and making me anxious, were now being bought in to the world and used in the service of others.

When I poured myself into consciously creating my reality, I realised I no longer needed to escape it.

There’s nothing greater than that first Sunday morning you wake up and realize your head doesn’t hurt, your mouth isn’t parched, there’s no one but your teddy in bed with you and you literally have the whole day ahead of you to do whatever you want.

Creating the life you want to live is a process, and every day presents new challenges, temptations and distractions, but nothing beats the overwhelming peace that comes from starving your ego and feeing your soul. What lies ahead is greater than anything you leave behind. You are worthy and capable of experiencing the joy, connection and adventure without drugs, drinking and the perfect date. The satisfaction of knowing you’re reaching your highest potential is worth missing a few nights out, saying no to the ridiculously good-looking guy who wants to take you home and putting in the work that’s needed on the journey of self-discovery.

If you’re going through this, I’d love to hear from you. Are you thinking about giving up the party girl scene in favour of something a little more ‘You’? What breakthroughs have you had? What’s holding you back?