As long as I’ve been alive, I’ve also wanted to die.
When I was little, I felt like an alien; like I had to be someone else to fit in. As I grew up, pieces of myself began awakening that felt unwelcome. As more of my Self came online, I grew more afraid. I didn’t have a framework or context for what I felt. What I knew, didn’t align with the idea I had about who I was. I could feel potential within me - a glint of light - but, lacking confidence and not knowing how to bring it out, I ran. I sought comfort, security and validation in men, sex and relationships. At fifteen, I was diagnosed with depression. I struggled with body dysmorphia and disordered eating and couldn’t walk past a mirror without cringing. Despite being the “good girl” at school, at sixteen, a series of naked photos of me got leaked. At seventeen, after schoolies and stuck in the cycle of DV, I fell pregnant. I graduated at eighteen in a blur of panic attacks and freaking out about my future. At twenty-one, studying a journalism and political science degree, I was waking up with dread in my stomach almost every morning, and sleeping with a new person every other night. Underneath it all, a part of me was screaming, I don’t want to do this anymore.
In 2013, Love began seeking me out. I met a woman in a nightclub who invited me to her church. I went along, reluctantly. The message was about Grace, and how, no matter what you’ve done, Love is still there. Something clicked. I realised I could live a life with love, rather than hustling to get it from outside of me. I realised if I kept going down this path, all that untapped potential would keep wreaking havoc in my system, and I’d never get to experience the magic I felt within. Despite all the fear, insecurity and self-doubt, I knew I had something in me worth fighting for. I chose to love the power I felt within me, more than I was afraid of it.
The absence of the love I thought I needed around me, awakened the light of eternal love within me.
I created time in space for God. I cultivated a commitment to turn towards Him, rather than away. I let the things I was running from catch up with me. I separated my worth from my achievements. I worked with the gift of my sensitivity rather than holding it against myself. I gave up sex, partying and drinking in excess (and backslid, a lot - thank God for Grace). In 2014, I quit my journalism internship and used all the money I had to enroll in an online business course.
I love sharing the wisdom gained to liberate and guide others
When I first started sharing my work, I couldn’t imagine how I could one day be a beacon of hope or light for others. Love met me there too. I realised that it didn’t matter if I didn’t have my ish together. If I wanted to tell my story, I’d find it was enough.
This virtual Home has been a long time in the making. It feels good to let it all OUTTTTT. LAWDDDDDD knows, I don't have it all figured out. Thanks to God, I do have, a connection with life, and a story of recovery and atonement which, hopefully, will inspire you to create your own.
God wove a crown and throne for me.
I began to unpack memories and stories in my mind, body and Soul. I rummaged through the remnants of my former life like an anthropologist studying the ruins of an ancient civilization; I dug out old texts, emails and journals. When the magnitude of what I was creating overwhelmed me, Love showed up. Whenever I felt lost, scared, distracted, or became so attached to the outcome I couldn’t focus, Love would guide me home.
I kept trusting (even when I didn't) there was a deep, wise and wild aspect of myself that was leading me, and all the pieces of my journey - and all the parts of myself - would eventually make sense. I glimpsed it at times and had full blown revelations of it at others.
I am so glad I stayed.
Some days, it feels like I’m feeling for Love like a tiny seed at the core of the earth, others, Who I Really Am is pulsing through me so strongly I think I’ll explode into a million galaxies.
Life doesn't look like I thought it would a decade ago.
“You’re like a giant tree, planting the seeds, which is all of us, so we can go and become our own big trees.”
Lily
I’m here for a world where everyone is doing what they love.
My vision is a world where people are empowered to discover their innate talents and abilities and encouraged to use them to create a career & life that deeply fulfills them. I’m passionate about helping wild, creative women unshackle themselves from societal conditioning, so they can live the deep, vibrant lives they’re called to.
In February 2023, I founded a startup called Mad House. Over the next fifteen years, my vision is to build a home, incubator and portal to the new world for world changing, wild, creative women. I plan to release lots of work in the form of books and essays and travel the world speaking on stages and podcasts (while continue hosting my own).
I love hard work, community, BIG visions and breaking down systems and structures that no longer serve the world.
