As long as I’ve been alive, I’ve also wanted to die.
When I was little, I felt like an alien. I was raised in an environment where I felt like I had to be someone else to fit in. I was rewarded for achievements, instead of existence. As I grew up, pieces of myself began awakening that felt unwelcome and too much. As more of my magic & creativity came online, I grew more afraid. The gifts I felt, didn’t align with the idea I had about who I was. I could feel potential within me - a glint of light - but, lacking confidence and not knowing how to bring it out, I ran.
Everyone seems to want to sweep things under the rug
I want to dig them up
I sought comfort, security and validation in men, sex and relationships. At fifteen, I was diagnosed with depression. I struggled with body dysmorphia and disordered eating and couldn’t walk past a mirror without cringing. Despite being the “good girl” at school, at sixteen, a series of naked photos of me got leaked. At seventeen, after schoolies and stuck in the cycle of DV, I fell pregnant. I graduated at eighteen in a blur of panic attacks and freaking out about my future. At twenty-one, studying a journalism and political science degree, I was waking up with dread in my stomach almost every morning, and sleeping with a new person every other night. Underneath it all, a tiny part of me was screaming, I don’t want to do this anymore.
One morning, in 2013, after another weekend in bed watching The Bachelor, something clicked. I realised if I kept going down this path, all that untapped potential would keep wreaking havoc in my system, and I’d never get to experience the magic I felt within. Despite all the fear, insecurity and self-doubt, I knew I had something in me worth fighting for. I chose to love the power I felt within me, more than I was afraid of it. Not long after, I met a woman in a nightclub who invited me to her church. I went along, reluctantly. The message was about Grace, and how, no matter what you’ve done, Love is still there. Something clicked. I realised I could live a life with love, rather than hustling to get it from outside of me.
The absence of the love I thought I needed around me, awakened the light of eternal love within me.
I created time in space for myself every day. I cultivated a commitment to turn towards myself, rather than away. I brought forth my dreams, desires and ideas. I let the things I was running from catch up with me. I separated my worth from my achievements. I worked with the gift of my sensitivity rather than holding it against myself. The strength of my self-connection grew. I gave up sex, partying and drinking in excess (and backslid, a lot). In 2014, I quit my journalism internship and used all the money I had to enroll in an online business course called B School. Less than a year later, I'd started a blog, self-published an eBook, was speaking at events and had signed up to become a life coach.
Still, a part of me was driven by a void. Working, moving, doing, achieving in the hope that one day, it’d all pay off. When I was twenty-five, I started experiencing symptoms of bipolar. I used my battle with depression to re-mind me I could use anything to serve my highest good. I let all the dreams and visions I had for my life take a back seat, to prioritize the wholeness and mental, physical and emotional integrity I knew I was worthy and capable of. Instead of running from the void, I embraced it.
I spent the last decade and a half unshackling my psyche from the chains of societal conditioning, breaking through the walls around my heart, de-armoring my yoni and learning the language of my body, to create a way of life that aligns with my true nature. Driven by curiosity, willingness and longing to explore and experience my Self, as the Source of it all, I’ve been in and out of churches, temples and cults, gone deep with healers, therapists, coaches, leaders and guides. I've explored tantra and sacred sexuality, somatic therapy, psychotherapy, NLP, counselling, yoga, breathwork, hypnosis and meditation.
In amongst all the shadow and inner child work and studying everything from metaphor to metaphysics, I’ve travelled, within and without, built businesses and burnt out. I’ve navigated addictions, compulsions, impulses, complexes and distractions - all the ways I’d been avoiding my Self - to build the knowledge and develop the skills to protect, nourish, sustain and release the rocket fuel of my creative life.
Voices are distracting me
luring me
attacking me
echoing the dread
the terror of living fully
stay away
you can’t handle it
they promise me
whatever new life I’m birthing
I know it will be the death of me
Go deeper, why are you resisting me?
fine, okay
instead of playing whack-a-mole
with these illusory beasts
I let them devour me
the will to live I buried alive
is alight
I let it jolt me awake
I shiver uncontrollably
my whole body shakes
as wave after wave
of sensations break
how much energy has it taken
to keep all of this at bay?
I watch horrified
all the futures I envisioned
for myself
dematerialise
listen as screams loosen themselves
from the base of my spine
centuries of lies disconnected me
from my ability to do this
now I know why
I love sharing the wisdom gained through my experiences to liberate and guide others coming up along a similar path.
When I first started sharing my work, I couldn’t imagine how I could one day be a beacon of hope or light for others. I was stuck in a loop of victimhood, with a million excuses as to why I couldn’t. I felt completely lost, overwhelmed and out of my depth. I thought I had to purge all the pain onto the page, slaughter myself at the altar of self-sacrifice and get it all “right”. Then, a miraculous thing happened. Love met me there too. I realised that it didn’t matter if I didn’t have my shit together. If I wanted to tell my story, that’s all I needed.
I wove a crown and throne for myself out of words.
I began to unpack all the memories and stories in my mind, body and Soul. I rummaged through the remnants of my former life like an anthropologist studying the ruins of an ancient civilization; I dug out old texts, emails and journals. Plenty of it completely foreign to me, other parts so familiar it spoke to a place inside me I could never forget. When the magnitude of what I was creating overwhelmed me, Love showed up. Whenever I felt lost, scared, distracted, or became so attached to the outcome I couldn’t focus, Love would guide me home.
I kept trusting (even when I didn't) there was a deep, wise and wild aspect of myself that was leading me, and all the pieces of my journey - and all the parts of myself - would eventually make sense. I glimpsed it at times and had full blown revelations of it at others.
I am so glad I stayed.
Some days, it feels like I’m feeling for Love like a tiny seed at the core of the earth, others, Who I Really Am is pulsing through me so strongly I think I’ll explode into a million galaxies.
Life doesn't look like I thought it would a decade ago. The journey has been more internal than external, spiritual than material, meaningful than grandiose.
What if I could use
this self-destructive
tendency
to break down
something else
other
than
me?
I’m here for a world where everyone is doing what they love.
My vision is a world where people are empowered to discover their innate talents and abilities and encouraged to use them to create a career & life that deeply fulfills them. I’m passionate about helping wild, creative women unshackle themselves from societal conditioning, so they can live the deep, vibrant lives they’re called to.
I’m done exhausting myself for the sake of a persona. The more real I can be here, the more freedom, space and relaxation I can create for all of us.
This virtual Home has been a long time in the making. Putting my work - including this site - into the world is about more than self-expression and service for me, it's a journey of self-actualization. It feels good to let it all OUTTTTT.
LAWDDDDDD knows, I don't have it all figured out. I live in denial sometimes; I get caught in shadow loops and accidently gaslight myself and love bomb others. I’ve used relationships to avoid myself. I struggle to find my center, listen to my own voice and carve out my own path in a world full of noise.
I get driven to prove myself, rather than just do it for the love. I hear voices, I get confused. My head can be incredibly critical and run away from my heart. I miss chances, I’m hard on myself… I feel afraid.
I do have, a sense of Self, connection with life, and a story of recovery and atonement. It’s not always pretty, it’s not perfect, and it’s certainly not finished. But it's one which, hopefully, will inspire you to create your own.
I love when my work and who I am, creates real change and connection — when something I offer improves the life of someone else.
I love hard work, community, BIG visions and breaking down systems and structures that no longer serve the world.
I love astrology, Human Design and the Gene Keys.
Scorpio Sun. Aries Moon. Gemini Rising.
I love olives, dancing, stormy afternoons & meeting new people. My favorite move is Marcel the Shell. I write songs and will stage a musical one day.
In February 2023, I founded a startup called Mad House. Over the next fifteen years, my vision is to build a home, incubator and portal to the new world for world changing, wild, creative women. I plan to release lots of work in the form of books and essays and travel the world speaking on stages and podcasts (while continue hosting my own).
