Reflections on the Journey Home

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

Anais Nin

(If you haven’t read last week’s post, Why I gave up Sex, Partying and drinking to get Drunk, you can find it here.) This is Part 2. It’s hard to write a How To for a journey that’s still very much ongoing. I’m still learning, growing and changing every single day - and I know I always will be, but this is my attempt to summarize the changes I’ve made over the last few years that have had the biggest impact on my physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing.

When I was doing research for this post by reading through my journals from the last two years, two things became immediately apparent;

1. Change takes place both in the realm of the physical (form) and the metaphysical (thought) — one often preceding the other but neither of less or greater importance.

2. I was going to need a hell of a lot more than a 1000-word blog post.

On the level of thought…

I realised my thoughts, words and actions had power in shaping the life I lead and that “positive thinking” isn’t about mind control, it’s about being aware of your thoughts and choosing which ones to believe.

When I first started observing my thoughts, there was a lot of self-indulgent narcissistic chatter going on up there; this sucks, I suck, she sucks, why me, this is unfair, I hate this, she is so much prettier than me, I need to lose weight, should I go out this week end, why the hell are we learning about this, why hasn’t he called, of course I’m going out this week end, I should not have worn this, what am I doing with my life? My level of awareness didn’t extend far beyond my own bubble of what was directly affecting me.

I became aware of my Ego - the voice in my head that told me I wasn’t good enough, constantly compared life to other peoples and kept me trapped in fear. With time - and consistent effort - I became aware of a "Me” beyond it. I tapped into the part of myself that’s the awareness behind thought (what Eckhart Tolle calls our ‘Essence’) and became an astute watcher of the inner dialogue that occupied my mind throughout the day.

But as I started to relinquish identification with the physical, my focus shifted. Instead of asking, What can I get? I began asking, What can I give?

This is where I found true fulfilment.

I looked at the beliefs that I carried around subconsciously; Life is a struggle, success = sacrifice, love and relationships are more work than they’re worth, money is for people who are greedy and selfish, you can’t earn a living from your creativity, happiness is for people who are naive and ignorant to the state of the world, I have to strive and achieve to be worthy of love and attention.

I got curious about my behavior and got serious about the kind of future I wanted to have. Why was I continually sabotaging my chances of being happy? What do I want? What impact do I want to make?

I surrendered memories of the past and expectations of the future and committed to living fully in the present moment (You can set goals and have visions for your future while detaching from how they’re going to come to fruition and what you need them to be for you).

I resisted the siren call of my Ego, luring me in to a false sense of security and a life of complacency, and listened only to the excited murmurs of my Soul, leading me outside my comfort zone and toward a life beyond my wildest dreams. I discovered there are no such thing as coincidences. When you’re living in alignment with your Soul, the Universe starts to send you messages, signs and too-weird-to-be-accidental synchronicities. You become more aware of opportunities, meet amazing people in the most random places and doors open that were never there before.

On the level of form…

I started meditating and developed the capacity to question my mind. I stopped watching the news. I overhauled my morning routine. Instead of reaching straight for my phone to scroll social media when I woke up, I’d go to the gym (I became obsessed with the Nike training app). I joined a yoga studio and went every single day for a month. I watched TED talks and documentaries in between romantic comedies and trashy tv. I went to church and discovered the power of prayer, not as a way to get what I wanted but as a way to align my thoughts with a higher perspective (turns out miracles are more fun than wishes).

I invested in myself. I read (and still do) every self help book I could get my hands on. I still remember sitting on my balcony reading Marianne Williamson's Return to Love with tears streaming down my face as I remembered the truth of who I really was. I bought ebooks and courses and went to workshops and seminars. If there was a wellness event on in Brisbane, you can bet I was in the front row taking notes. I felt. I cried. A lot. Like, sobbing on the shower floor, mourning the death of an identity.

I got really okay with being alone.

I did my best not to settle and slip back into old thought patterns and behaviors. I realised my Oscar Wilde inspired hedonistic ideology wasn’t serving me very well and sometimes in life we have to give up what we want now for what we want most. I resisted the temptation to call my ex and eat an entire block of chocolate (most of the time). I learnt to say no (a skill which deserves a whole post of its own) to boys, invitations, my parents and anything that didn’t light me up.

I made a conscious effort to not say anything bad about another person and see how long I could last. Instead of whining about things I couldn't change, I began to speak life and encouragement over the people around me. I stopped competing with my friends and random strangers on the internet and realised there was more than enough success, love and attention to go around.

I started exercising my self-love muscle. I adopted self-care as a Divine responsibility. I took ‘wellbeing days’ when I needed them, had massages once a fortnight, took twenty minute ‘sunshine breaks’ while studying and nourished my body with higher quality food.

I wrote a List of all the things I loved about myself and all the qualities I wanted to embody; confidence, charisma, compassion and acted like I already had them in spades. I wrote letters to myself from five years in the future describing how I wanted my life to turn out.

It’s excruciatingly unfair, the whole thing. And, it’s good training for life. If you can do this, you can do anything. Former addicts make the best everything ;)