Act One is Complete
The first act of my life is done.
About a week before my last birthday, I woke up and knew. After seven days that included the birth of my niece (She's here!) a red dream and full (blood) moon, a door had closed. The shudder of it sent shock waves that echoed through my whole psyche.
"Yes, that's EXACTLY what it feels like."
I wake up nodding
along with thunder and lighting
yelling and fighting
their cataclysmic shuddering
the only sound that could do
justice
to the internal battling
According to Human Design, the reason you've had so much fun watching me explore and experiment my way through the last decade is because the first third of my life was the time for trial and error and learning through failure.
I've faced challenges & obstacles in the last thirty years that would have annihilated most.
I’ve lead myself into (and out of) churches, temples and cults (more on this to come. God, there's so many more than you realise) I’ve gone to battle against outer foes and inner daemons, held myself to new standards that required absolutely everything I had, and then some.
I've slept on the streets and dated over a hundred different people (I counted).
I've battered, bruised and wounded myself in often-desperate, always Knowing acts, always cobbling together just enough support, guidance and encouragement to initiate myself into the next evolution of me.
A gust of wind
flicks at the tip of a flame
and I realise
quickly
how calamitous
too much of one element
can be
I'm watching myself
walk a line
find
the balance between
kindling the light
of truth
I need
to burn away
insecurity
and letting that same hate-fuelled flame
start a raucous hurricane
that destroys
everything
to balance
the God in me
suggests
sobriety
which is weird
because I've already given up
drinking...
mostly
then I remember
getting clean
is also about purifying myself
of all the ways
the world has tried to
poison
me
each day
I come to the flames
aching with
curiosity
listening
expanding my capacity
the more I feel
the more acute and - impossibly - heightened
my sensitivity
As I connect more deeply
with the aspect of my psyche
that’s been locked in a dark cupboard
rigged with shame gas and deathly spikes of self-judgement
that stab me
if I try to wriggle
free
as I gently ween myself out of co-dependency...
I'm learning...
to be kind and patient with myself
there's a real
and logical
connection
between
my past
and the pain
I've been
experiencing
it's never because I didn't try hard enough
couldn't handle the heat
didn't want it bad enough
I was never lacking anything
the heartfelt hug
of a soaking wet friend
is exactly what I need
her youthful
sincerity
is one of the only things
mercifully cooling
me
I've taken a bar job and been on and off Centrelink. It's taken a lot to keep the faith and not stay in the bitterness. There's been more than a few times this year I've been frozen in shock at the fact that with all the skills, wisdom and experience I've gained over the last thirty-one years, I'm waiting tables, mixing cocktails and not in some presidential office suite somewhere being consulted on how to run the world.
resent
the fact I have
to draw up
from that well
of super-human strength
do things before I feel ready
access resources
that still feel
shaky
Is it a lack of confidence? Am I just too scared to show up with all of me?
Then, I remember... all that world is a sham and the life I'm actually here to lead, is happening wherever I find my feet.
I'm happiest when I'm firmly planted in reality, not blinded, gagged and bound by the illusion of red tape, misdirection and people pleasing.
Activating my warrior spirit, healthy masculine energy while I work out how to get paid exclusively for what I love, if that's even where Life is taking me. (There was a real temptation to entrap a man into doing this for me, but I would have robbed myself the experience of providing unconditionally)
oh...
I'm quite literally
CREATING
the time and space
I need
what better use is there
of these precious resources
than diving deep
into the world within me?
My confidence and courage are exactly where they're meant to be
The self-acceptance I've been able to cultivate this year is life-changing
I've got a whole sea of it
rather than trying to squeeze Life into a box of how I think it should be
I'm swimming
given myself all the SPACE and LOVE I need to grow freely
done my best
to grow in the direction
life is leading me
letting myself
bloom
honestly
not in the way the world
is telling
me
returning to my Self
as the Source
creating the love I want
turning despair into
Nothing
The book is coming along. (I know, another one). My memoir is waiting patiently, calling out every now and then from creative purgatory. A part of me is impatient, another part is just along for this wild ride.
Can I be
like a
flamingo
prancing
laughing
joking
trusting
not caring too much
about anything?
hold integrity
without collapsing
into ecstasy
not letting the compulsion
to compare or be seen
railroad
the impeccable timing
and unique creativity
asking
to explode
all the way out of me?
hold
this impossible
tension
between wanting to know
my Self
why I do things
and just wanting
relief
The voices are still here... encouraging me to do wild and genius things... and I'm working up the courage to listen and welcome them, rather than keep explaining them away.
Act Two is all about collating, organizing and sharing the wisdom I've learnt. Finally. As I sit behind the curtain at intermission, all the old identities I've outgrown scattered around me like costumes, inspiring me to keep trying on new things without attaching to a single one of them.
I know I can rely on this...
inner solidity
the part of me
that's deeper
more stable
re-routing my focus
when I need
I've faced
the
abyss
enough
found myself at the point where life and death
form the intersection of me
to know
I can't be destroyed
by anything
I'm pouring out my heart and Soul
not for you
to grant me some hollow token of
acceptability
but...
to pay homage
it's a natural response
to recognizing
the real value
of a living
thing
