Confusion

I sat with a small part of myself this morning locked in a state of confusion.

When I dove a little deeper, I felt the desperation of a little girl in a world where the lines between good, bad, right and wrong, were always being drawn, but were never actually clear.

A world where you were nice to someone's face, but said horrible things about them behind their back, where you were completely mentally and physically exhausted, but you left the house and went to work anyway, where you didn't know who or how to trust because people used their words to lie and cover up their true feelings.

I felt her lack of understanding about how to operate, the helplessness of never feeling like she could get it right, no matter how hard she tried.

In the absence of any real discernment of their own, my parents - like most people - attempted to cut and paste outdated ideas about morality over the top of their own instincts and intuition.

They ignored their own bodies and opted for being "respectable" members of society instead.

But in a world where adults ignore their bodies, an internal conflict is created in children between what they can see and feel, and what they are being told to notice, say and do.

"How can I trust a man who is lying to himself? And really, what other choice do I have?"

I can see more clearly now the realities of the parent/child dynamic that's playing out in our world, and the unbelievable denial of the mistreatment of children.

I can feel the consequences of that mistreatment in my own body.

The more I sat with this piece of myself this morning, the more it dissipated, until what felt like a giant black dog was nothing more than a tiny little puppy.

This is the way forward. The way to healing and knowing, trusting ourselves and truly living. There's a lightness in my being that wasn't there before.

Hallelujah.