Twenty-two

Nov. 2015

It’s storming. I have a candle burning and music playing through the darkness and it feels like the perfect time to reflect on the year that was 22. I’m perched on a cushion, my fingers running over the keyboard with that all to familiar mixture of anxiety and excitement running through me. Will I be able to articulate the passion, the emotion, the message burning in my soul? Will it be good enough? Will I be okay if it’s not?

I’ve had a love/hate relationship with writing this year. I adore writing for this blog and the emails I send out each month (soon to be fortnight), mostly because of the responses I receive from the most amazing people who say my writing resonated with them, that it awakened something within them. I truly believe in the power of words to heal, restore and renew. To spark something latent within us or help us see things from a new perspective.

And yet… Sometimes just the thought of sitting down to write has me knee-deep in distraction. Resistance has been a real and ever-present force in my life since the moment I decided to embark on this spiritual journey. It has manifested a thousand times in countless different forms, each one more cunning than the last. I’ve begun to think of my ego as the robot villain in the Incredibles; you know the one that becomes more intelligent the more you try to defeat it? It uses every tool you learn and weapon you earn against you, forcing you to constantly grow, expand and evolve, or stay trapped in the cycle of repeating the past over and over again.

My lesson this year has been patience. Learning to balance my drive and blind ambition with a devout faith in Divine timing. Knowing when to stay up all night typing until my fingers hurt and my eyes won’t stay open, and when to let go and let God take it from here. When to push and hustle and go after what I want, and when to surrender, take my time and let things unfold when they’re meant to. I still don’t have it all figured out. I so often find myself in tears of frustration when I think about the space between where I am and where I want to be. It’s like my soul is desperately longing to reach its full potential, and yet my body feels so… limited. There is so much I want to do and feel and be and sometimes the enormity of it all leaves me paralysed.

I’ll be the first to admit this journey can be exhausting. As one wound is healed, another appears and just as light filters through, darkness roars across the sky. It’s so easy to get caught up in the task of ‘fixing ourselves’ that sometimes we forget the purpose is in the process. I have to keep reminding myself to find joy in every step of the journey. And there is always joy. In the moments between the madness; the colours so vibrant they make your heart hurt, the messages so clear they alter the course of your existence and the love so deep it changes the structure of your cells.

This time last year I was stressing over assignments and resenting every moment of finishing my degree and right now, I’m about to fly to Melbourne to celebrate becoming a life coach and turning 23 with some of the most beautiful, driven, spirited girls that have landed in my life over the last twelve months.

I feel present, balanced, focused, grateful, alive.

This is what it feels like to live a life of conscious creation.

When I remind myself of all the beautiful things that have happened in the last twelve months, both gratitude and disbelief wash over me and I start smiling like an idiot at the wonder and beauty of it all. I moved to Sydney (finally), I mastered the art of singledom (more on that to come), I met people who went from strangers to soul sisters in 0.2 seconds, and who I know will be in my life until the end. I learnt how to channel my desire to self-destruct into a fiery passion to destroy what no longer serves the world. My family - the foundation upon which I built my identity - was torn out from under me, and I had to discover who I was outside the world I grew up in, and (this one still gives me butterflies) I became a life coach. Working with my clients has brought out a side to me I never knew existed but I fall more in love with each and every day. The heart-stopping joy, the overwhelming pride, the transcendent energy I feel after every session… I didn’t know it could get this good.

I am so much closer to the life I envisioned when I sat on my balcony one afternoon in Brisbane, just eighteen short months ago, and God showed me the life that awaited me if I trusted Him and stepped out in faith. When I decided to quit my journalism internship, turn my back on the degree I’d dedicated the last four years to, and follow the calling He placed on my heart. I get goosebumps when I think about how lucky I am that my soul chose this experience; this calling, this mission, this lifetime, and all the moments of synchronicity that continue to unfold, guiding me toward the life I was meant to live. Because when we go searching for meaning… we find it. And when we commit to honouring the desires of our heart, life ceases to be an uphill struggle and becomes instead a series of miracles that bear witness to the grace and goodness of God and the love He has for us.

What does next year hold? I have no idea. I know I’m craving more beauty; around me, within me, in what I create… and beaches with no people on them. I’m hungry for deep, soulful exploration of myself and those around me. I want to delve back into the depths of my experience and create a road map for those trying to find their way out; an odyssey into darkness and a triumphant emergence into light. I want to speak. I want to start my own dance studio. I want to serve on a deeper level.

I’m calling in all the forces of heaven to assist me, to assist our planet and all her inhabitants as we enter this new era of consciousness, as we release the old and create the new. As we heal the wounds of the past and venture bravely into the future, remembering the truth of Who we Really Are and saving the world one awakening at a time. What we are experiencing all around us now is growing pains, the death of what no longer serves us and the birth of a new world order. As more of us align with the light and discover our purpose - the real reason we are here - the closer we edge to the world I see in my wildest dreams, the world we all crave at our core, the world I know is possible in this lifetime.

The Almighty created you with the sole purpose of nudging the human race one millimetre farther along its path back to God. Don’t cheat us of your contribution. Give us what you’ve got.

Steven Pressfield, The War of Art

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being on this journey with me, I have a feeling this is only the beginning.