I had a pretty incredible morning.

I woke up knowing I’d be setting off on an adventure.

I’d tried – and failed – yesterday, to submit to my inner knowing, and complete the task at hand (interview three strangers for a new project) and although scared (terrified) I was determined today was going to be the day.

I had nothing yesterday – so little inner resources – and seemingly nowhere to go looking for them – it was disheartening.

I don’t fail at the same task two days in a row. Not anymore, not consciously.

A lot of this feels really personal to share, these moments with the Divine are so intimate. But there’s also a willingness to trust that I am called to share this for a greater purpose, so I’ll offer it up, if slightly hesitantly.

Whenever I act on my knowing, saying out loud – what I’m going to do – locks it in for me.

I prepare myself with a massage and a pep talk, noticing all the doubts and resistance to cracking open.

 

Fuckkkk meeeee. 

I HATE ALL THESE PEOPLE
THIS SUCKSSSSSSSS

THIS SUCKSSS

I SUCK

OH GOD

CONNECTION SUCKSSSSSSSS

 

I want to die.

I’m sure of it.

I want to crawl back into bed and watch Netflix for six months straight.

Lull myself into a false sense of security

And die – safely – tucked into my bed at eighty

allow myself to be calcified over time, hardened against the world

Safe. Protected. And it seems Love has the exact opposite idea. 

Life wants me in the thick of it, and it will keep holding me at the bottom of the ocean until I remember I can breathe down here.

 

I know I’m supposed to want to be alive – to express the essence of my Soul… bleurgh.

That my life is this massive gift or whatever.

Life is just so. much. effort

Sometimes I wish I was a reporter. Just a reporter, not the subject, an observer. 

Like a journalist – they watch life – everything – from a distance and write about what they see. 

Lucky bastards.

 

I meet the first couple on my way to get coffee. I didn’t know I’d be interviewing them until I notice an opening (a moment in time where an almost imperceptible energetic “gap” opens… I can’t think of any other way to describe it) and I choose to seize the opportunity.

“Hey, guys, sorry to intrude,” I slide over, “I’ve just started a blog called, Humans of the Northern Rivers, can I ask you a couple of questions while you’re waiting for your food?”

Breathe, Jae.

“Sure.”

We talk – well, they talk, and I listen. I’m self-conscious. The voices in my head going crazy.

Go Jae, You can do this.

It’s all over in under three minutes. Their food arrives, as I’m clicking end on the recording, and I slide out of my seat with a backwards Thank you, and a massive smile on my face.

 

The next prize isn’t as easy to find.

“You’re not going to record this, are you? Ah. No way. No away.”

He closes up.

For a horrifying second, I’ve been rejected. I can feel the longing to reject myself… You knew it, you’re invading people’s space, this is – YOU are – dangerous, inappropriate, rude. 

And then, “Go talk to him!” He gestures in the direction of a guy sitting in the shade.

Fly Jae, You can fly. Keep going.

 

That’s when I meet Alex. We hit it off straight away.

He’s open, charming, hilarious – a kindred soul. We talk about philosophy and he tells me he’s having trouble making connections.

“I’m a bit of a nerd,” he admits.

“I’m a nerd too. We should be friends.”

 

I remember afterwards, there is always a breakthrough after the rejection/projection. I just have to keep going. 

 

God, that was intense. I need to sit down and recover. I need a sec to process what just happened.

 

A couple walking a path perpendicular to mine catches my eye.

I go to pull back, but at the last second, I lean in.

We talk for over half an hour.

They’re the kind of family I would have wished I’d grown up in – before I knew better.

They’re charming, spiritual, accepting – and have raised two artists, apparently.

“Oh, our daughter has written a book… and our son is a music producer.”

Like, what?

As I walk home, I can feel fragments of my psyche frantically trying to re-arrange itself, as the light of this new awareness shines between the cracks, tearing it apart.

I walked out of my house this morning, with no conscious awareness of what I was about to create, and I have jumped into the wild magical current of Life’s divine guidance, and been drawn straight into connection with three incredible people – and potentially many more – simply because I had the courage to say, YES.

And it’s not happening incrementally, it is happening all at once

I can feel the resistance warring with the expansion, and I remind myself that expansion is the key to my salvation. It’s okay to let go, to crack open, to grow.

It’s nothing to be afraid of.

It’s the natural evolution of my Soul.

I convulse –

I notice the difference in my thinking from when I started the day – identifying with the resistance, willing myself to keep closed, being available to doubt my intuition, slowly chipping away at the trust and faith I have in these crazy ideas.

A statement a Guide gifted me rings true in these situations, Jae, stop being available to doubt your intuition.

It is a choice.

I chose to be brave today. I chose to trust the longing – however faint – that was waiting to burst through me.

Through some insane mix of luck, and fate and preparation – I had the wherewithal to be able to overcome my resistance and act with courage today.

I will begin it all again, tomorrow.