At the end of last year I met a boy (still don’t know why I can’t call them men, feels wayyy too grown up). He messaged me on instagram and I didn’t think much of it until we started talking (and let’s be honest, I stalked his photos) and I realised we had quite a bit in common.
We messaged back and forth for a while and the banter was great. He made me laugh and asked amazing questions. One particular day we got into this hour-long conversation about sacred sexuality and how both of us really wanted meaningful sexual encounters with partners who didn’t drain or fuck up our energy, by the end of it I was getting butterflies every time I got a message from him so eventually I suggested we get a drink (I know, #thirsty).
I was nervous as all hell walking down to meet him, but I also couldn’t stop smiling. He was sitting looking out over the water when I got there, with his back facing me. Literally, the second I laid eyes on him, I knew he was The One. I have never been so sure of anything in my life. This was the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. It was the same depth of certainty that I felt when I found coaching and discovered my purpose. It’s like your whole body resonates with the depth of Truth and all other possibilities fall away until all that’s left is what’s right in front of you.
‘Hey stranger,’ I smiled, knowing full well we’d known each other a hundred times, in a thousand different lives before this one.
We talked, non-stop for about two hours. And as he was speaking, it was like he was going through the ‘ideal guy’ checklist I had in my head,
“I love the ocean.” Tick.
“I’m pretty spontaneous. I have a motorbike and I usually go for week ends away down South.”
“I surf and I love camping.” Mother fucking double tick.
I mean, come on.
We walked along the water and he kissed me underneath a lamp post. It was the stuff romantic comedies are made of.
The next few days were perfection.
He’d message me in the morning and call at night. I didn’t obsess over him the way I had with new guys in the past and it was the first time I didn’t try to speed up the relationship or manufacture intimacy. There was a part of me that sensed we’d have a lifetime to get to know one another, so what was the rush? Unlike previous flings, I didn’t see him as a distraction, but as someone who motivated me to show up more fully in my business and life.
After we got off the phone one afternoon, he sent me a message saying, “talking to you makes my Soul happy.” (#Dying)
He has his own business (I have a thing for tradies, sue me) and because we both get to choose what hours we work *swoon* he came over during the day to go to the beach. We lay next to each other telling stories, asking questions and laughing about anything and everything. After a few hours, I kissed him at his bike and walked back up the hill home.
The next day something changed. He didn’t call and he used my first name in his good morning text message (basically the kiss of death for any new relationship). Eventually I got, “Can’t come over tonight and don’t think I’ll be able to catch up over the week end either.”
I was walking so I called him. No answer. I called him again, “What’s going on? Is everything okay?”
He sounded out of breath, distant, “Yeah, it’s fine. What’s up?”
The banter was gone, along with the smile in his voice. I started panicking.
“You didn’t call this afternoon. Why can’t you hang out this week end?”
Did I do something wrong? Have I completely misread ALL of the signals? Does he think I look fat in a bikini? Did I reply too quickly? Did he read one of my blog posts? Did he meet someone else?
“Yeah sorry my phone was on 2% and I was on a run.”
He was running, literally, away from me.
I kind of knew what was coming, but I had to make sure. I sent him a message the next day asking if everything was okay. I was a bundle of nerves and anxiety until I got his response, “There’s nothing wrong as such… You kind of went from 0-100 real quick the other day when I couldn’t talk on the phone…You’re an amazing girl, I think maybe we would be better as just friends.”
My stomach dropped.
I fucked it up.
I met my soulmate and I fucked it up.
Everything I ever feared about myself was true. I’m not good enough. I’m not hot, cool or special enough. I met the perfect guy, and I drove him away.
***To be clear, I believe a soulmate is someone we feel like we’ve known before (in another life), or we were meant to meet. There’s something familiar about them and we know they are in our lives for a reason.
Thankfully by this point I knew that the fastest way through was to surrender to the situation. (Somehow I don’t think I could have numbed this one out even if I wanted too). I spent the next 24 hours crying on my yoga mat, mostly in the foetal position, as all the pain of past heartbreaks, rejections and fears came up to the surface. It felt like a piece of my heart had been ripped out of my chest.
In the weeks that followed, I analysed the situation with psychologists and psychics, I made girlfriends give me Tarot card readings and tore through endless pages in my journal, desperately trying to wrap my head around the situation. I’m totally not ashamed to admit I even Googled, ‘Why is my Soulmate running away from me?’
Eventually we (my spirit guides and I) agreed that he wasn’t ready for me. I was too powerful for him, he knew I’d call him out on his shit and he wasn’t ready for that.
Looking back now I’m kind of leaning more toward the idea that I wasn’t ready for him.
I realised it wasn’t the situation itself, it was the meaning I was attaching to it, ‘this means I’ll never be with my soulmate, this means all the work I’ve done on myself wasn’t enough, this means what people have said was true and no one is ever going to want me, this means I’m unlovable.’
Of course I was devastated when those were the kind of thoughts I had running on repeat.
I don’t think he’s the guy I end up with. But that’s the thing about soulmates; they’re not always meant to be in our lives forever. They show up to support us and/or trigger whatever needs to be healed, and when the purpose for the relationship has been served, you can both move on.
I know it feels like the end of the world when you’re in it, but from where I’m sitting now, I can’t help be anything but GRATEFUL for the whole experience. It forced me to look at the ways I still relied on other people (especially guys) to validate my self worth. Why was I so shattered by the thought that this guy didn’t want to be with me? Why did I attach so quickly? Why was I so triggered by a guy I couldn’t control?
It reminded me what I tell my clients over and over again; rejection isn’t about your inherent value, it’s about compatibility. It’s not an indictment of your worthiness, it just means you’re not meant to be.
And it showed me what’s possible, the connection, the chemistry, the certainty… I know I’ll feel that way again (on an even deeper level), and that’s why it’s so easy for me to say no to anything that’s not in alignment with that now. Because I know it’s possible, and I believe it’s possible for me.
Whatever relationship drama is unfolding in your life right now, can you sink into the knowledge – just for a second – that everything is unfolding just as it’s meant to? If you’re at the end of a relationship, can you look for the meaning? What did you learn? What can you be grateful for? Can you trust that something even better is on its way? And if the relationship you’re in isn’t in alignment with the HIGHEST thought you’ve ever had about yourself, or the GRANDEST vision you have ever had for your life, can you gather the courage to walk away?
Can you relax knowing that what misses you was never meant for you, and what is meant for you will never miss you?
If you desire it, you can create it. Decide what you want and then get ready to be taken on the ride of your life as you are prepared to receive it.
Knowing that, can we all agree to have a bit more fun with it?
So much love,