So I got Tinder. I’m landlocked (20mins from the beach with no car = landlocked) and one of my aunties is really unwell, so I think it was an attempt to distract myself for a little while when I don’t have the ocean to wash all my worries away.

First of all, it’s super overwhelming. Girls if you’ve been on it for a while, you will have to tell me how you do it. I don’t know about other areas but North Sydney does not have a shortage of insanely good looking single men. Seriously, some of these guys look like they just stepped of a freaking Paris runway.

I’ve been on it before at different stages of my life, and every time is the same. Excruciating small talk, life story in 150 characters, half-assed drinks invitation, repeat.

I lasted about 48 hours this time around.

I deleted it this morning and had the most amazing self care day watching my favourite Woody Allen movie instead (Vicky Cristina Barcelona in case you were wondering) in between meditation and naps in the sunshine.

As I was walking out the door this afternoon, I had my headphones in and music blaring, dappled sunlight was filtering through the red and brown leaves and I got this surge of genuine happiness. It’s a feeling I get more and more these days that I haven’t really found a name for yet (if you have one let me know). It’s a combination of intense gratitude, wonder and pure joy where you just look around at your life and go, ‘Holy shit, I can’t believe I get to experience this.’

It was so different to the superficial spasms I’d been getting all morning (dopamine firing in my brain) that it got me thinking about the different kind of ‘highs’ we experience and if they are all created equal.

I used to be addicted to compliments. I fished for them like they were a food source. I loved the rush of adrenaline I got when a new guy showed interest in me, and would mould myself to be exactly what he wanted, because I was terrified that if he saw the ‘real me’, the attention would go away. These little rushes of adrenaline are worlds apart from the deep abiding joy I feel almost daily now so I decided to split them up into Ego highs and Soul highs.

Ego highs are a response to someone else’s acknowledgement or recognition. Soul highs come from within.

Ego highs only last a minute, soul highs stay with you for the rest of the day.

Ego highs keep you on the hamster wheel, always looking for the next hit. Soul highs sustain you.

Ego highs keep you small and dependent, scared of losing the attention you crave. Soul highs inspire you and set you free.

Ego highs stimulate your body. Soul highs penetrate your being.

Ego highs are a means to an end. Soul highs are the means AND the end.

Ego highs wreak havoc and create drama in your life. Soul highs make you a magnet for your deepest desires.

Ego highs leave you feeling anxious about what’s next. Soul highs make you excited about what’s possible.

There’s no judgement attached to any of this, it’s just an observation about how different behaviours produce different outcomes. I’ve experienced both and now it’s up to me to choose based on who I want to be. I know that in the long term ego highs leave me starving, so I’m going to commit to doing things that feed my soul. The investment is greater, but so is the reward.

Night my love,

Jae x

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