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Why I won’t subscribe myself to any outside ideology, worldview, or school of thought (for too long)

When I was younger, I went looking for a blanket approach.

I was operating from the conditioning that told me I had to “win at life”, and if I only found the best belief system, and did whatever it required of me, I’d come out on top.

I went searching for the meaning of life like a cheat code because I thought if I could “show the world” how capable I was, by mastering what I considered the “best” human game, I’d feel less like a failure.

The lie was “if I’m not doing more/being better than everyone else I’ll never get to have cool experiences and I’ll get left behind.”

(This is bullshit)

This is back when I also thought others were the purveyor of my abilities - and teachers, pastors and parents decided how capable I was, rather than knowing and valuing my Self from within (this still feels like a stretch some days).

In my mid-twenties I came to a fork in the road.

Actually, it was more like a brick wall… and when Life saw me trying to scale it with my bare hands, build a ladder out of my own bones and sit at the base with my head banging against it for weeks… it threw me a lifeline.

I began to see things more clearly. I knew I had to stop what I was doing and choose authenticity over success (or at least what looked like success to the outside world) until I could hold my true self properly.

(If you want to find your authentic voice, you’ve gotta unravel the conditioning that says your authentic voice isn’t good enough or valuable, otherwise you’ll keep beating yourself up when you get close to expressing it or ignoring it completely in favor of yet another performance).

I went inward and worked on my inner dialogue - my relationship with myself - and built a foundation that couldn’t be shaken. I found (and lost and found again) the core of me and am learning how to live from there.

This meant - less showing up on social media, less creating distractions out of thin air, and basically six years of de-conditioning the beliefs that said I had to be anything other than exactly who I am.

Letting go of this way of operating - unhooking from the paradigm of comparison and success/failure - meant giving up the yard stick I’d used to measure myself. I had to stop comparing myself to spiritual teachers, “successful” solopreneurs, social media influencers, and all the people I’d perceived had “won at life”.

Because truthfully, no-one has won at life. No-one has “made it”. There’s no such thing and Life isn’t like that. It’s not a win/lose game, race, or a competition.

The deeper I’ve gone, the more I’ve realized I - and women as a whole - are more complex, nuanced and utterly original than any kind of worldview - no matter how expansive or progressive - can account for.

And as tempting as it is to believe I can find the holy grail and solve all my problems with one religion or way of thinking about or looking at the world, if I just try hard enough, or give up enough, it’s not real.

It’s scary to feel like you don’t belong anywhere, until you realise by the same logic, you also belong everywhere.

Now, subscribing (which ironically means to “contract”) to anything outside of myself for too long feels like a squeeze, and not the good kind.

It feels like a denial of all that I am, the infinite, irrepressible and undefinable.

At the end of the day, I deserve more than a surface level quick fix, that promises eternal salvation and offers nothing more than a momentary relief. I deserve the tools to actually understand and be myself, utilize all I have to offer and make the most out of this journey, not just a ladder to climb, a ruler to measure myself or box of someone else’s making to fit myself in.

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There’s a psychology that comes with “success” as the world defines it. It means you’re constantly either chasing a carrot or being whipped by a stick (sometimes both). It’s usually born out of a sense of powerlessness or inadequacy - constantly seeking a supply that needs to get bigger and bigger. It’s an addiction in its own right.

Growth is different. Heart-led living is different. It still starts with the same powerlessness, inadequacy, fear (and the acknowledgement you can’t escape them), but instead of being motivated away from them, you allow yourself to sit with, unravel and be unraveled by them. The tool - the symbol, metaphor, sacred text, methodology - is just a tool. And instead of it getting pedestaled and an exalted as an idol, it’s just something you use until you no longer need it.

In a society that’s continually programming us to be someone other than who we are - telling us we’re wrong and need to “do better” - the only way to stay intact and aware of our own completeness is to learn how to be ourselves and stay true to that - no matter what.

Taking up your own space and living in your own lane is an ongoing process. It’s less about living by others’ expectations, and more about creating an internal culture that is natural to you, an environment you can thrive in.

Mine is made up of a combination of all the things I’ve learnt on the journey so far… which is why I can’t begrudge myself the places I’ve been and the paths I’ve walked… church… personal development… network marketing… even spirituality… it’s all a part of the walk home.

Right now… the tool I’m using is singing. It’s connecting me deeper, but I’m not confusing it with who I am, or abandoning myself in order to chase or worship it.  

You don’t need to chase carrots or beat yourself up with sticks.

(They’re not real)

Take them all away and be brave enough to accept what you’re left with.

It’s good enough.